I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
