did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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