Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
