So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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