I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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