come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
