I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I love you.
Bad choice
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
