Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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