I'm so fucking centered right now
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
