and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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