I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
my liver is dry heaving
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
