The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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