Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
