I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
