i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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