is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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