Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
