You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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