Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
