i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
