I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
