I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
