The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
