You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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