everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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