i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You are the jesus of drinking
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
