he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
