yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize