I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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