I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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