we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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