i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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