just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
