I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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