mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
