So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
