I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
