yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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