I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
