I want to make a zoo with you.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
this beer tastes like vomit already
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
