Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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