so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
