That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
