I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
