He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize