He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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