the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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