you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dignity is for republicans.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
