i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
