I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
