My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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