We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
