i already hear my dad disowning me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just cropdusted the office
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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