the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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