The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
