i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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