On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The uberlube is also flammable
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
